How is a Police Search a Romantic Proposal?

Meet Senator Ben Cardin's nephew Jon Cardin, a delegate from Maryland. Jon is apparently a hopeless romantic and decided to propose to his girlfriend with a police search (complete with helicopter) of their boat perfomed by those hopeless Cupids, the City of Baltimore Police
Department. Wait... what? I know I've been accused of not being a "typical girl" but do typical girls like that? I thought the jumbotron proposal was the height of obnoxious, but I guess I was wrong. The Baltimore Sun reports the following...

"Officers boarded the boat, owned by a friend of Del. Jon S. Cardin, on Aug. 7 in the Inner Harbor. As the helicopter Foxtrot hovered overhead, adding to the sense of tension, one report says officers pretended to search the vessel and even had the woman thinking she was about to be handcuffed before the delegate got on one knee and proposed."

Clearly, the BPD had the time to help out Jon as Baltimore has a super low crime rate. I mean, ONLY five people were murdered over Memorial Day Weekend. Yes, all of the cops were ON DUTY.

As she said "Yes", the next Romeo is going to have to top good ole Jon. I think the next step is obvious. CLEARLY the way to a "typical girl's" heart is through a full body cavity search performed by Baltimores finest! Ok, they didn't do that, but they did spend some serious tax payer change.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/

Excuse me?

I'm all for people losing weight and getting healthy. But don't lie about how you did it, how much you weigh or what size you are. I think Sherri Shepherd looks great after her 41 pound weight loss, however if you look at the NOW size on the magazine it says she's a size 6.

Let me repeat that. A size 6. Um in what designer? The "Everything is a size 6 even though some of it might be a 12" clothing line? It's damaging to women to lie about this stuff. Did she even need to say what size? Why do we base our self worth by the number on the tag? Size 6, I'm awesome! Size 12, I eat puppies for lunch!

Gah. Let's just all cut the tag out and continue being awesome.

This is Stephen Tyler, and not your Jewish Grandmother

This is seriously a photo of Stephen Tyler after his release from the hospital for falling off a stage.

Although this would be a great opportunity to snark on the inappropriateness of men of a "certain age" sporting lyrca, I just can't bring myself to do it. Probably because he looks like someone's Bobe.

Seriously, the v-neck shirt and the Jackie O glasses?

Perhaps a calcium supplement endorsement for post menapausal women is in order?

Verbal Vomit

Here's what I hate today and every other day: people who throw out words they don't understand, use them improperly and think they're cooler than you for using them. People who want to be in the know but have no idea where the know even is. Is it in Africa? Probably.

I've been web designing for 15 years now. What I really enjoy is when people throw words at me like wireframing, digital experience, Web 2.0, social media and they believe they are teaching me. What's worse is that these so-called buzz words are a joke to me and you're a joke to me for using them. It's awesome that you read a book Holmes, but maybe you should take a look at your own job and what you do. Am I telling you how to slap that pickle on my McCheeseburger? Well...I did read a book on it.

Happy Tuesday!

Reality Whores

I really love the non-reality of pretty much all reality shows. I think the "stars" all live together in a big house and every evening they have a meeting and pitch ideas.

Some kind of slimy producer, "Ok who wants to be on L.A. Ink?"

Aubrey from Rock of Love raises her hand, "I do, I do! But can I wear really thick makeup and 3 pairs of false eyelashes at once?"

"Of course you can! Oh and wear very little clothing, act as stupid as possible and piss everyone off."

It's like they all get recycled and hop from one show to another. What's the point? Is anyone really believing any of this is reality any more? Anyone? Bueller?

Adnan, remember him? Pioneer in bad facial hair!

Hey remember Adnan Ghalib? He is a true pioneer in BAD facial hair. I don't really know what you would call this look? Sort of a stretched out douche tag? A ummmm... landing strip?

When you're cheating on your wife AND helping a pop princess with her downward spiral you've GOT to look the part of a super douche.

The BFH is complimented nicely with the super obnoxious sun glasses. And a fallen pop star in a stained t-shirt is THE perfect accessory.

America's Got... Something

Megan Fox wants to eat you

Heidi Montag (Pratt) Nudie Pics

Today's snark is thanks to Speidi. When will these 2 go away? Now Heidi has posed for Playboy and we have to hear her and her husband with creepy skin-colored facial hair talk about the pics. GAHHH!

"I haven't told my dad yet. I might not tell him," she told "Extra." "I'm very religious. I'm a big Christian girl. I kinda wanted to keep those values a little bit." Huh? Is that like being a technical virgin? If you have sex in the woods and you don't have an orgasm then....ok nevermind.

"I think God created the body. I think we're born naked. We die naked. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of. I think the body is a beautiful piece of artwork that God created. I have nothing to be ashamed of." She adds, The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn't show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades." Ok let me get this straight - the body is beautiful but only if it's cut up, stuffed and shellacked? You're a real woman Heidi!

My favorite quote comes from her Mensa husband though. When describing the photos he said ever so eloquently, "Beautiful art, not like Picasso art, real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying?" Um, I really don't.

Happy Birthday Bitchy!

It's Bitchy's birthday today and I believe she is celebrating her 21st? 22nd? She looks like a mere baby so it's hard to tell.

So let's wish her a happy birthday filled with lots of cake, lots of snark and enough alcohol to kill a priest!

xoxo,

Glammy

Dress Code Nonsense

Direct quote from my employer's policy, really, slippers aren't allowed? What about zubaz pants? What qualifies as a "beach shoe" that isn't a flip flop? If I was wearing a United Way sweatshirt, would THAT be excluded from the policy?


Exclusions - the following clothing should not be worn:
Pants: jeans (all colors and fabrics), shorts
Tops: shirts with slogans and large logos, sweatshirts, tee-shirts, tank tops, halter tops
Athletic wear: sweat suits, workout attire
Footwear: athletic shoes, croc-type shoes, slippers, flip-flops or beach shoes

Or Maybe We're OK, Most Scientific Papers are Wrong

Perhaps we can keep on being negative after all. A new paper (linked below) asserts that as much as 50% of scientific studies are actually wrong.

For some, it's the usual culprits, too small of a sample size and researcher bias. Keep with me, I'm not going to start talking about multiple regression, I promise! Anywho, even with larger studies, this paper states that some conclusions are "massaged".

Personally, I think a lot of it has to do with people setting out to prove something and finding the data to support it while throwing away anything that doesn't support their theory. Of course, I could just be saying that because I'm having an absolutely crap day and can only be cynical and pessimistic and now I learn that I'm going to die early because of it!

http://www.plosmedicine.org/article/info:doi/10.1371/journal.pmed.0020124

Bitchy and I are in trouble

From LiveScience, "Optimistic women live longer and healthier lives than their pessimistic peers, a new study suggests.

Specifically, researchers found that women who see the glass as half full are at a lower risk for developing heart disease, and have a lower risk of dying from any cause, than those who see the glass as half empty.

The new research, detailed in the journal Circulation, also found that women with a high degree of cynical hostility — defined as harboring hostile thoughts toward others or having a general mistrust of people — were at a higher risk of dying in general."

Cancer Schmancer

Melanie Chen, a Columbus Ohio woman, scammed her family and friends out of $800,000 over a 3 year period. This fine specimen of a human being claimed her husband had cancer and she needed money to pay for medical bills.

Awww, kind of warms your heart doesn't it? First people she told she needed money for her poor husband was his parents. So not only is she telling people she needs cash for medical expenses but she's letting this guy's parents think he's sick. Apparently he also let them think he was sick. Wow. That's commitment.

So what did our Lady of Mercy spend this cash on? "I spent it on things that didn't matter, just things." So it was worth it then, right Mel? Sweet!

Billy Ray Cyrus Models the Douche Tag

Exciting new feature on our humble little blog, the gallery of bad facial hair choices! Ok, it is only one entry so far, but I think you'll agree it is a well deserved one!

Our first inductee is none other than Billy Ray Cyrus and his Douche Tag! For those who aren't familiar, a Douche Tag is that mess between the lip and the chin.

Here is a photo of the Teen Choice award winner for "Choice Parental Unit" with his meal ticket, er daughter. She's in show business too, I guess, I don't have any tweens living with me.

Congrats on your award Billy, AND for being our first inductee! We haven't decided if we're going to have a "Gallery of Men With Hair Styles that Belong on Much Younger Women" yet, but if we do... I think you'll be hearing from us again!

This just in..

I have an announcement: I am the mother of Michael Jackson's children.
Not this nutjob:



I am also the mother of Britney Spears, Gerard Butler, Chris Rock and Tori Spelling (I was really drunk). Oh and I have a map to candy mountain.

I'm starting to feel bad for Kate Gosselin

Yes I've watched Jon and Kate Plus 8 (my other half used to tell me I was part of the problem for watching) and yes I've seen Kate be downright nasty to Jon over the years. However, now he's just running around like a total douchebag flaunting his relationship/sexcapades/Ed Hardy tshirt wearing ways for the world to see. What are the kids thinking? I'm sure some of it gets to them. And what will they say when they become adults and look at back at his ridiculousness? Daddy why did you pierce both your ears? Why are you going out with mommy's plastic surgeon's (very much younger) daughter? Daddy why did you make everyone hate that they ever bought any Ed Hardy? (OK that last one thrown in by Glammy. Seriously, I hate my Ed Hardy bag now!)

Clearly he isnt the only one to fault for this seperation but have a little respect for your kids if not yourself. Clip below: interview with Kate on Today show.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Pissing off Sarah Palin

When her daughter's baby daddy ends up at the Teen Choice with Kathy Griffin. Abstinance, not a teen choice.

When Dad would rather vanish than pay child support - or why Newton John's exboyfriend is a douche

Remember this guy? That's Patrick McDermott, Olivia Newton John's boyfriend who went missing of a boat and has been presumed dead since 2005.

Well, he has been found! In Mexico, dodging Child Support Payments and stating that as he has done "nothing wrong" to please be left alone.

So, he would rather fake his own death than pay for his kids. Stars, they're just like us! They have douchebag exes!

Christian Rock Throwdown in Tulsa

Nothing says a Good Christian Time like a throwdown at a waterpark because there are too many people for your stupid Christian Rock concert. I feel like there is something just wrong about Christian Rock in general. It gives me the willies. The only thing worse is the "modern worship" service at a mega church like Willow Creek. You know, with the jazz quitars... and the swaying and the clapping... but that is my own hang up I guess.

Anywho.... The Big Splash Waterpark (not affiliated with the Breeders kick ass album) held a "Waves of Worship" concert (SNORT!) this weekend and had larger than expected crowds. I would find this UNexpected as I couldn't imagine any type of crowd showing up for such an event. Well, the 3500 fans were too much for the ONE security guard and a melee ensued. As my better half snarked, "This brings a whole new meaning to bible belting".

Best quote from Police Officer... "Obviously, when you have 3,500 kids in a confined area, you're going to have some problems," he said.

Perhaps the only thing worse is 3500 kids wearing purity bands. Oh the pent up sexual tension...

Cell phones, candy wrappers, screen talkers... OH MY!

I LOVE movies. I adore going to the theater. One of my very favorite things of all time is going to the movies..by myself. I would really prefer it if no one else was in the theater at all. So this weekend I went to the movies because... well, it had been long enough that I had forgotten my last annoying experience.

Our cast of characters is as follows:
We have the gal behind me who kept kicking my seat despite numerous dirty looks from yours truly. The guy in my row who thought it would be a great idea to I don't know, eat his dinner for an hour and a half? The gal 2 seats in front of me who really needed to check her text messages 15 times during the flick. And, my personal favorite, the assbag who talked to the bloody screen because you know, the people in the movie will talk back to you if you only talk loud enough.

Remind me to go to Blockbuster next time I think about hitting the theater. Sigh.

I Could Watch this Movie Over and Over

Long before she was a prostitute with a heart of gold in Vegas, Elizabeth Schue was a typical Oak Park babysitter.

I don't know why, and I can't explain it, but this stupid movie warms my bitter, bitter heart. I have no idea why VH1 is showing it right now but I am suckered in. Shouldn't they be showing something with strippers looking for love? BUT I could watch this over and over... Maybe it's because the Chicago references are actually accurate that does it for me. For example, she's driving on the Ike, not on Lake Shore. Although, I don't think four kids from the affluent suburbs would have been so easily welcomed at a 1980s era Chicago blues club...

Weight a Minute....

I absolutely HATE how women are judged on what size they are. It's in the media ALL the time about who weighs what, what size an actress is, how a musician dropped the weight.

OK Magazine's cover story: "Jessica Simpson's Revenge Diet. How I Lost 10 Pounds in 10 Days!" Really Jessica? What kind of message does this send to women (let alone girls)? Poor Jessica got trashed for gaining what, 5-10 pounds? The woman's curvy, give a girl a break.

What I hate more is when women are trashed in the media for their size, come out and say "I love my body!" and then turn around on the cover of some snot mag about "How I Lost the Weight." Hello Jennifer Love Hewitt? It's Hypocrisy calling! Now don't get me wrong, I feel bad for any woman being judged on how she looks but if you say you're a role model for women then BE ONE!

Here's what's way worse. You're a celebrity and you gain weight. You're Kelly Clarkson (xoxo to Kelly) and you say you're find at any weight and tell people to go blow themselves. Then you get on the cover of Self and they Photoshop you into a new, thinner version. What's that saying to Kelly? I wasn't good enough before? Thinner = better, more lovely, more..... What's that saying to women?

From abcnews.com, "Editors for SELF Magazine are responding to questions as whether they heavily airbrushed the September issue of the women’s lifestyle mag, which features sometimes-portly American Idol Kelly Clarkson.

“Yes, of course

we do post-production corrections on our images,” Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger told The Insider Thursday." "Kelly Clarkson exudes confidence, and is a great role model for women of all sizes and stages of their life. She works out and is strong and healthy, and our picture shows her confidence and beauty. She literally glows from within. That is the feeling we'd all want to have. We love this cover and we love Kelly Clarkson."

She exudes confidence ONLY if she's thin? She's a great role model ONLY if she appears to wear a size 6? You love her ONLY if she doesn't appear as she is. You know what Self? You can bite me. And you know what ABC news? Portly? PORTLY?? You can bite me too.

I Absolutely Hate Drunk Drivers and Lawyers

Turned on the Today Show today and saw a story that turned my stomach, and made me want to call 670 The Score for their "Who You Crappin" segment.

According to NY Police, Diane Schuler had at least TEN drinks and smoked pot before getting behind the wheel of a car. The results were tragic. With a blood alcohol level of .19 she drove the wrong way down a highway, collided with a SUV HEAD ON and managed to not only take her own life, but those of the FOUR children in her van and THREE men in the SUV with whom she collided.

Sadly, the story does not end there and this is my reason for the "who you crappin" reference. Mrs. Schuler's family has decided that despite the overwhelming evidence from toxicology and the scene that she was NOT AT FAULT. Despite the fact that her nieces (whom she killed) called their parents to say she was slurring her words, the family claims that she wasn't drunk and the husband says she doesn't drink. Her schmarmey lawyer pontificates that maybe she had a stroke and that's why she was slurring. Ok, that would make sense if NOT for the toxicology report! Surely the toxicology is wrong - newfangled science.

The husband can say what he wants... but as Bitchy's father says, "Denial is not just a river in Africa". Get disgusted after the jump.... http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=8268313&page=1

Eyeshadow = Love

Before I begin today's rant, you should know that one of my many alter egos is as Makeup Artist. I have gone without groceries so I could buy a brush from MAC. I would rather have new eyeshadow than a tank of gas (it's not on empty yet). You feel me?

So knowing this, my latest irritation comes from Kat Von D having her own makeup line at Sephora. Now I'm sure she worked super hard pointing to colors she liked and all but COME ON. This does not mean I hate Kat Von D. I hate the fact that because she wears a crap ton of makeup that this means she deserves a makeup line. I know a few drag queens who fit that bill. Grrrr. You should also know I am trying to start my own makeup line and it isn't easy nor is it cheap. Do I wish someone would hand me my own makeup line so I would stop bitching? HELL yes. Is this jealousy? YESSSSSSS. Piss off.

Now who do I think is brilliant that has just gotten her own makeup line? LAURA LUKE! For those of you out of the know on this one, Ms Luke is a beauty blogger, You Tube sensation! Her videos rock the house and you know what, she actually knows something about makeup. Frikkin imagine that!

Laura's line at Sephora
Her You Tube Channel Panacea81

Filmmaker John Hughes dies at 59

"John Hughes, the Chicago-based filmmaker who redefined the joys and heartbreak of high school in the '80s, died of a heart attack in New York on Thursday. He was 59." THR.com

THIS I really hate. My formative years mourn.

"Bueller? Bueller?" Sigh.

Animal Killing Assbags

Alright did you hear about the whore Elizabeth Carlisle who drowned 2 bunnies at an Akron Petland and then POSTED THE PICTURES ON HER FACEBOOK? I'm not posting the pic. Click on above link if you want to see her in her full asshole glory.

From The Examiner, "Elizabeth Carlisle posted a picture of herself holding two dead, drenched rabbits up to her face after she drowned the them in the back room of the Petland store, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) reported today.

Carlisle wrote on her Facebook page that her manager took the picture. PETA reported:

"[S]he reminded me that there were people outside as [I] was swearing at them to just hurry up and die but then she was so kind as to take this picture."

Before being drowned, the rabbits attacked and ate each other, according to additional Facebook comments made by Carlisle. Injuries to the rabbits included bites, a missing eye, a possible broken jaw and paralysis from the waist down from injuries.

The injuries would not have occurred if the rabbits had been properly cared for, PETA stated.

Petland immediately terminated the store owner's franchise agreement for its "horrific mistreatment of the animals". All Petland signs have been removed and the Akron Ohio store will not be reopened, a spokeswoman said. The animals were transferred to a store in the Chapel Hill Mall.

Charges are being filed against the employees involved in drowning the rabbits."

In this case, I really would like to see an eye for eye justice served. What is wrong with people??? Animals have feelings. They are gorgeous creatures who deserve respect. These poor animals were neglected and brutalized. Everytime I think I've heard the worst someone continues to amaze me. I hate this prick.

Killing People because You're a LOSER

So that guy in Pittsburgh who shot 12 women because he couldn't get a date? Are you kidding me? Ok look, if you're a miserable douche bag who wants to off yourself FINE, do it, pull the trigger Jackhole but leave the innocents alone. I don't get it. Why do you have to bring other people into your pain?

Times online said, "Over the course of a nine-month diary, Sodini appears to have built up to the attack and explained how he was driven deep into depression by his lack of success with women, strained relations with his family and unstable employment status." Ok doesn't that describe EVERYONE? Get some Xanax and get over yourself. Or don't. But don't go to the gym and starting shooting a bunch of women. That's cowardly, selfish, cruel....what am I missing?

Jackass.

I hate pantyhose with sandals too, but this is creepy!

It's summertime and the cubicle dwellers at Bitchy's office have once again lost any fashion sense they might have had. 50 something ladies are wearing short denim miniskirts... too tight twill capri pants... long flowing 'mother earth' skirts that are appearing for the 20th year... the younger crowd is sporting club wear and HR is constantly slamming inboxes with "dress code reminders"... It makes Bitchy reflect on the few fashion rules that she knows.

When Bitchy was just a wee little girl her momma gave her these pearls of fashion wisdom.

1. White shoes should only be worn between Easter and Labor Day.

2. Wearing pumps with jeans makes you look like a prostitute.

3. You should only date boys who are substantially taller than you, that way you can wear heels.

4. You should never wear pantyhose with open toed shoes. If you do, the devil wins.

Bitchy ignored number 3, and number 2 is somewhat questionable these days. Although to be fair, you have to keep in mind Momma came up with these during the 80s so picture BRIGHT BLUE pumps and skinny Guess jeans. I realize that some people continue to argue point #1, but in the Midwest, you do look like a tool wearing white shoes in the snow/slush.

Anyway... Point 4 is solid and the one thing that Bitchy and her Momma can agree on. Open toed shoes with hose is all kinds of bad. Largely because hose by itself is all kinds of bad.

So imagine Bitchy's horror when she spotted this new yucky product, split toed pantyhose so that you can continue to wear your hose with your sandals. Dear God! Why would you purchase these? Why? Just go with bare legs, or if your office doesn't allow that, go with closed toed shoes. Or pants.

Put a Vanity Plate on your Asshole

I hate vanity plates. They're stupid. You're stupid for having them. You're especially stupid if you have a vanity plate that spells out what your car is. Let's say you have a Dodge Neon and your dumb vanity plate says, "NEON." That's awesome. So awesome I hate it.

Do you know the one I saw today? Hold onto your panties girls...it said, "A LONG 1." I'm assuming this MENSA was talking about his dang dang. HIS PENIS! That gets me so hot. A LONG 1. GENIUS!!!!!!! You're an asshole. I hate you.

There is nothing semi about my hatred of Sandra Lee

If you're not familiar with Sandra, she has a show on the Food Network called "Semi-Homemade Cooking" and is the face of Evil. Per her bio on Food Network "her trademark 70/30 Semi-Homemade philosophy combines 70% ready-made products with 30% fresh, giving everyone the confidence to create food that looks and tastes from scratch."
But what exactly does that mean in practice? Let's take a look at one of her "recipes".

"Fast Food Burgers"

Ingredients
1 1/2 pounds ground beef, 80 percent lean
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 slices American cheese

ketchup
4 hamburger buns
1/4 head iceberg lettuce, shredded
2 dill pickles, sliced

Damn it, the burger goes INSIDE the bun with the ketchup on top!!! I had no idea, thank you Sandra!!!!! I've been cramming the bun inside the meat and putting the ketchup on top of my head! People, you do not NEED a recipe to tell you that you need meat, buns and ketchup for a burger! Oh, but there is more to hate beyond the fact that her recipes are not actually recipes.

1. Her voice. It is nasaly AND condescending. Like the worst high end store-clerk ever! "Now, what you're going to want to do is put the store bought pizza sauce on the store bought pizza crust..."

2. Sandra's Real Money Issues. The network has given her a money saving show when she is far from scrimping her pennies. Do you know who Sandra's exhusband is? Bruce Karatz, the former CEO of KB Homes! KB Homes are semi-constructed. Good ole Brucey was once listed in Forbe's magazine as the nation's fourth-best-paid chief executive _ earning $135.5 million in the fiscal year that ended in 2006. Sandra was not eating hamburger helper folks. Oh, FYI, he's since been charged with securities fraud! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/30/bruce-karatz-exkb-home-ch_n_180934.html

But don't worry about Sandra's love life, since divorcing Karatz, she's been dating Andrew Cuomo! So I imagine that they're eating loads of Ramen Noodles. But she probably adds cilantro so they're "semi-homemade".

3. Her outfits match her drapes on her show. This is not code for anything, they literally match. Nuff said.

4. She uses the term "table scape".

Ok, I feel a bit better now.

- Bitchy

I hate that this isn't over

An open letter to the two guys in the Sebring in front of me today in traffic.

Really? The Lance Armstrong bracelet? Seriously, you do know it's 2009, don't you? You also realize that you're driving in a Sebring (not the most masculine of cars), with the top down, while smoking, right? So, the whole, "I'm against cancer" thing doesn't really ring true when MY vent system is now filled with your smoke.

My experience has been that anyone wearing those when they were topical was a bit of a douche. Typically they were the kind of guys that would love to tell me how they were running "you know, in the 5 K this weekend..." They also tend to like Heiniken, which honestly, is a pretty crappy beer. The problem is, as douchy as they were, the trend is OVER the bracelet thing is OVER. So if you're sporting one now... Unless it's some trendy ironic statement. Yes, that's probably it, smoke Reds while sporting the yellow bracelet, well played hipster doofus, well played.

More to Hate

I've only watched the previews for More to Love and hate it already. Why did they need to make a show for a fatty looking for a fatty? You can't put fatties in with the "regular" (skinny) people? The fatties needed their own segregated show so as not to disturb the beautiful (snort) people? Cause you know, a thin guy would (gasp) never want to be with a chub girl or vice versa.

Ok there's all kinds of wrong with these stupid reality shows to begin with (why is any self respecting woman/man going on them anyway?), however this one is especially demeaning.

Suck it,

Glammy McSnark